Surviving domestic violence.
It’s almost a year to the day since my freedom started but on that very first day I felt anything but free: overwhelmed, a failure, scared, small oh so very small. In that instance I will shamefully tell you I wanted nothing more that to return to unnormal that had been my normal since the age of 18.
A pitiful shadow of a life where I was told who to speak to, how to dress and where two clenched fists would rain blows more frequent than our Scottish showers.
I was the girl that couldn’t do right for doing wrong I was the girl that gave my all and got punished for trying – be it for wanting to pursue a career, for attempting college or for just having an opinion or for not having one.
There are no limits to a narcissistic abuser trust me: over the course of 4 years I was choked, hit, spat on, punched ,kicked, dragged by my hair throughout my home, I’ve been locked in cars, forced to eat bleach, threaten with weapons, told that I was going to be killed, hit with objects, thrown into furniture and that’s only a fraction as some things are still to painful to even put into writing. And his excuses, well firstly of course “why did you do that to yourself? Look what you made me do! I knew you wanted it I’ll give you a reason to scream you’re mine I can do what I like to you “ then came the blaming of mental health as he claimed he had blacked out and therefor had no recollection of the event so couldn’t be held accountable. Young, brainwashed and just wanting the nightmare to end and traditional family life to commence believed him so one day when the attack started I filmed him thinking I’d later show him and he’d seek medical help. Oh hell was I wrong and how I did pay.
The next excuse that followed was exhaustion that’s right ladies and gents apparently exhaustion can turn you into a violent sadistic monster so you better get into bed sharp.
Do you know how many times I’ve wrote in anonymously to this page? Explaining my situation asking if he could take our children and every time you lovely people wrote back urging me to phone the police go to hospital and informing me that if I wasn’t strong enough to log everything so it could later one day be used as evidence. And that was exactly what I did. I confided in a friend (deleting my chat log for my own safety) and thus a time line of events was created.
The last attacks, three consecutive days in a row almost killed me, I think on the last one he genuinely thought he had. I was still recovering from a traumatic birth 3 months prior and carIng solely for our children I had no energy or fight remaining. As I came to for the first time I saw fear in his eyes.
But there I was, now a single mum of two (3 month old & 2.5years) how ever could I possibly give them any sort of life that they deserved? Financially, emotionally, physically I felt like I was doomed to fail.
But I wasn’t and I didn’t. For months I may not have had the motivation to eat properly but slowly I found the strength to speak. I confided in my sisters who helped me speak to the police, and lawyers, my health visitor and friends and doctors. I say they helped me because I was too broken and fearful of the consequences of speaking that i could only write things down even eye contact made me jump.
It’s almost a year to the day since my freedom started and let me tell you I might have ptsd, anxiety and depression.
But I have my safety, I have my children, my freedom and my smile.
Even on the darkest days I continue and I’m now doing everything in my power live life for myself. I dyed my hair (I had never been allowed)
I’ve passed my uni modules and enrolled in another
I’ve even started my own business
I raise my children with no support
I wear what I want
I’ve even attempted to see someone – however old wounds are still too raw and I don’t think I’ll ever be capable of a physical relationship again.
So I might not be raising my children in the traditional family home, I might be to ashamed of not getting out sooner to put my name on this, I might be still recovering from the years of abuse.
I MIGHT BE YOU.
Please if you are me, don’t pick the old me choose to be the new me. Save yourself because I’m sharing this for you.