Hello again, darkness.
My old companion.
You’ve certainly made yourself known at regular intervals throughout my life.
Today was a dark day.
The peak, I hope, of a what’s been a few days of crisis with my mental health. The first crisis of note since I was discharged from hospital back in April.
No one really talks about Borderline Personality Disorder in depth. Particularly not openly and honestly and it’s the condition I live with. No one talks about the sheer intensity. There’s no black and white with regards to feelings. Everything is magnified. The inconsistencies with identity, the uncertainties around every relationship you develop and the horrendous criticism you inflict on yourself day in, day out.
This place can be intolerable at best and yet we do our best to battle each day again and again, over and over.
I’ve sort of learned to sit with darkness. To accept that it’s inevitably going to reappear throughout my life. It’s not easy! Not by any stretch of the imagination. But when I feel it creeping back in, I know it’s my body’s way of saying “Stop. Breathe. Look after yourself. Breathe”. And I’m getting better at actually doing those things.
I think for many of us, it’s normal to blame ourselves for feeling down and entering a place of darkness. We feel like we should be happier and must act immediately to change how we feel. That’s not that case. It’s natural that, as humans, we will experience peaks and troughs. Existing in those troughs and knowing that without them, we wouldn’t appreciate the peaks, is the state of mind we must work towards.
I hope I see the light soon.
Mandy @ TEWP x