Asexuality: Owning it.

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Asexual is described as: lack of sexual attraction to others or low/absent interest/desire for sexual activity.

This is my story. I’m a mother to 3 children. I’m no Virgin Mary so yes I had sex to conceive them and yes I must’ve been attracted to someone at some point in my life to have my kids. But, you can be in a straight relationship and have kids then further on in life be in a homosexual relationship. So to realise you’re asexual isn’t any different.
I first realised I was asexual around a week ago after some googling , confiding in my sister and serious life thinking (I’m 30 so I’m starting to re-evaluate my life 😆😆).
I always knew at the back of my mind that I was maybe a little “different” to everybody else’s perception of “normal” I just couldn’t put a name to it before google.

I haven’t been in a serious relationship for several years. I always wanted to do what all my friends were doing and settle down with “mr right” and my kids. But for me, it just wasn’t meant to happen. I couldn’t seem to hold a relationship and I never knew why. I either met shitty blokes or pushed the good ones away for no rhyme or reason.

Over the years that I have been single, I’ve come to realise that I don’t miss anything about being in a relationship or dating someone. Be it the emotional and physical aspect. It feels to me like I’m void of that feeling or that part of my brain doesn’t work, almost like that switch is turned permanently off. It’s just an empty hole that’s non-existent.

Yes I crave adult company with being a single mum, but, I get that from family and friends so that part for me, is fulfilled. I’m just happier being with my kids and I just don’t see myself being physical with anybody else ever again.

This is the confusing bit, I can and do appreciate a good looking man (I.e Chris Pratt or Tom Hardy 🤤) and I can also appreciate a good looking girl but that’s where it ends, I might think “oh he/she is gorgeous” if I see someone in the street/shops for example, but that’s where it ends and my thoughts immediately switch back to what I’m doing or where I’m going in that instance. It’s a fleeting few seconds moment basically.

Whenever I think of myself with someone physically I feel nothing nor do i consider joining the dating scene ever again, it’s just not something I think about. I know people will think “oh well she feels like that cos she’s had bad experiences in the past” but it’s really not like that at all, yes I had some really bad experiences, but it is not the main reason I am who I am today.

I just don’t feel like I’m meant to be with anyone ever again in any way and I’m ok with that. I used to think I was weird and obviously must’ve had some sort of problem to not feel “normal” but I now know that that isn’t the case at all. I’m happy to stay celibate for the rest of my life, sounds extreme as I’m only 30, but I know hand on heart, that being with anyone else ever again (in any way btw) just isn’t going to happen.

It’s helped shape me as a person and made me realise I am who I am, but I’ve grown from those experiences! 🙂

Your brain is a powerful thing and it can sometimes be your best friend or worst enemy. It can fool you that your strange or actually you can realise that this is who you are and it’s ok to be “different” to others and it’s so liberating let me tell you! This past week, I think I’ve been the happiest in myself than I have for a long time. I don’t care if people think I’m weird or a “in the closet” because I know that no two people are the same and if you have no sexual desire or physical attraction for anyone then so? 🤷🏻‍♀️ you’re not any less of a human for feeling that way. I used to worry so much about what others thought of me all the time but I know that that isn’t a life to live. Nobody has the right to judge you wether it be your gender or sexual preference or in my case, lack of.

Be you. Nobody else is you and that is your superpower. It’s quote I saw somewhere online and I think it’s spot on! 😁

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