Over the last few days and possibly weeks, I’ve been having a pretty massive existential crisis. My mental health has been impacted massively and during what has been a relatively smooth recovery process since March last year, I’ve found myself stumbling on a massive hurdle. A hurdle so big I don’t even know if it will be possibly to conquer. Even with adequate support.
It all came to a head on Tuesday night. I took myself to a book launch but prior to the book launch, I found my mental health becoming increasingly worse. Prior to the book launch event, I just remember floating around the streets of Glasgow, totally dissociated for hours and even having thoughts where I’d look at a building and think “Wow, how did we even think to build this” or I’d be looking at others walking around and asking myself “Why is no one panicking because one day, they too are going to die. They’re all mad.”
I literally felt like I was starting to lose my mind.
Pair this with the fact I’d been drinking to excess pretty much every day for 14-15 days prior to this day – I wasn’t in a good place.
Anyway, as the night progressed and the book launch drew to a close, I found myself becoming increasingly worse and took myself to a wee bar I like called The Variety Bar on Glasgow’s Sauchiehall Street. I have a bit of a penchant for Arr deco so it’s always been a favourite haunt of mine.
The last thing I remember vividly is looking out of the window while drinking my vodka and Diet Coke and tears rolling down my cheeks. I felt helpless, scared, lonely and utterly pointless. I then remember one of the bar men coming over to console me followed loosely by my best friend arriving, an ambulance, the police and then the next thing I knew, I was in hospital.
I’ll never forget the kindness of my friends and family on Tuesday night who all rallied round to locate me, rescue me and protect me. Thank you. I was a danger to myself and I still probably am.
I’ve been under the watchful eyes of close friends and family ever since and it’ll be that way for the forseeable future as I don’t think I’ve ever felt in such a dark place as I do now. I don’t see this fog lifting any time soon.
As such, I thought that, for my own benefit more than anyone else’s, I’d compile a list of reasons to stay alive while I still feel in this suicidal and fragile state of mind.
My reasons to stay alive:
My Mum – thank you for bringing me into existence and for your CONSTANT support
My Niece and Nephew
Martyn and Barbara
Fresh sheets in a cosy house
Friends – near and far
These are just a few that sprang to mind straight away. Please feel free to write your own if you feel inspired to do so!
Mandy @ TEWP x