“I’ve has sex with over 100 people”… I don’t want pity. I want people to stop slut shaming.

I lost my virginity at 16 in a tent. “Classy burd” has forever been the joke about it. Wanna know why I really did it? Because all the girls in my school were. Because I wanted to feel popular. Because I thought it might make me feel accepted. Because I thought that would get me a boyfriend. Because then I might be cool.
Really it was horrid. I cried in the shower afterwards.
The boy told all his pals, who then told their pals and soon everybody knew. Turns out it just made me seem like a joke.

I’ve had sex with over 100 people. 

That is probably one of the hardest things I have ever told anyone about myself. The look of shock on peoples faces.
“But you just don’t seem like the type? Your not a slut are you?”
The disgust some people have come out with is also so humiliating.
“Why would you disrespect yourself like that?”
One ex boyfriend informed me that I was absolutely revolting and if he had known I was a slag he would never have gone out with me. How absolutely awful is that?
When I was a teenager I would joke about being a slut on social media, I would make myself seem like a joke by throwing mad parties, and not caring about my possessions or family. Really all I wanted was a best friend.

Being a slut is cool right?

I don’t know how I managed to get to over 100 people, so many boys act interested and then once you’ve slept with them they disappear. I know this sounds so cliche but that happened to me so many times I felt worthless and of course had no respect for myself.

Maybe I am just this bike that everybody treats me as?

One day I came home to my first flat I lived in by myself when I was 18. Somebody had let themselves into my house and wrecked it. Pictures were torn and my TV was on the floor. My clothes had been chucked everywhere and my couch had been ripped. I don’t think I’ve ever wept so much in my life. I cant believe anybody would treat somebody like that. I know that somebody did it because I was the joke of the town, had a good laugh about it over a pint that night.

I must deserve this because I  am such a slut.

I started seeing a boy from a different town and we went on a night out. A girl from my school who I had never spoke to before approached him and told him not to be involved with me. A few years later a similar event happened again, when I brought home a boy from somewhere else and a guy in the nightclub toilet asked him why he was there. He said my name and the boy also told him that was a big mistake.

I better not get a boyfriend because they will not want to be with used goods.

What is wrong with a girl casually having sex?
How dare you slut shame somebody and make them feel bad for being sexually active? How do you know why they are having sex with lots of people?
To warn people off somebody, you don’t even know!?
Still to this day I have people being shocked about how many people I have slept with. I hear people making comments about chlamydia being awful and only a certain type of girl would have that. I have had chlamydia twice, am I that type of girl?

If anyone finds out I have the clap that will ruin me.

Chlamydia is so common. It also is not such a big deal so can we stop with the shaming.
I realise I have slept with above average amount of people. There is no need to make me feel bad about it though. Woman these days should be allowed to do what they want with their bodies without being judged or shamed.

I just want to feel free in my own body.

I still struggle to talk about it, but now it’s out in the open. I would love it if people would have more of an open mind. Why is somebody sleeping with loads of people bad?
I’ve definitely had moments in my life where I have been sleeping with people because I enjoy sex and haven’t wanted a relationship. I see no problem in this, if it is in a safe environment.
I have also had moments in my life where I just wanted to feel loved. I just didn’t want to feel so lonely anymore. It still hurts to think of my 18/19/20 year old self crying herself to sleep every night because she didn’t know why everybody hated her so much. This has got me in to some really horrible situations.
I am incredibly lucky to have had my amazing family and friends at that time.
I still struggle with relationships now, how am I supposed to trust men, who have fucked me over so many times?
(I just want to put in here that my last boyfriend was an absolute gem and helped me through a lot of these problems.)

18 year old me, in my first flat.

I don’t want pity I want people to stop slut shaming. You have no idea what you might be doing to that girl. I just can’t believe how unkind so many people were to me when I was growing up, just because I had sex with a certain amount of people. I still struggle to walk around the town I went to High School in because of anxiety that somebody might shout something at me.

It could be a cry for help.
It could be somebody having fun.

SLUT IS A DISGUSTING WORD.

I wish I could go back and tell this girl that she is beautiful, she doesn’t need a man to feel complete, and she can do whatever she wants with her body.
Its amazing what is going on under the surface.

BE MORE KIND.

Abi @ TEWP x

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