I’m struggling.

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I’m struggling. Big time.

You all know my story… pretty much.

When I was in the psychiatric ward in March 2018 and in the months and even year following, this blog provided a safe space to share what was going on and for others to share what’s going on for them too. Without judgement. So excuse me if whatever I’m about to write becomes a ramble but it’s honest and from the heart at least.

I came off all of my mental health medication approximately 3 months ago now. It’s a decision I didn’t take lightly ant I tapered down off my medication slowly with the doctor’s support. Family and friends were kinda wary of my decision because I’d had a horrible experience over the summer with trolls literally trying to ruin my life (and all during a global pandemic) and various other things going on for me personally BUT it felt like the right time. I felt numb. I felt like there were no ups and downs any more… just an emotional monotony.

Although I still take therapy when I can, a lot of my pre suicide-attempt BPD style meltdowns are becoming more frequent. The other week, the smallest trigger snowballed into a really big meltdown. I couldn’t find my headphones and because of that, I thought, “I lose everything” which led to believing “I can’t do anything right” which ended in “I don’t even deserve to be alive”. To have those tiny triggers result in such massive meltdowns is really tiring both emotionally and physically. And the feeling of stupidity which follows is a lot to take too. Logical thinking just isn’t an option when your mind is in that state of fight or flight.

Another issue which happens to a lot of Borderline sufferers is pushing those who actually care away from me. Both family and friends. Something I do which isn’t helped by my condition is I give and give and give to others… to a fault sometimes and then I have this horrible resentment which builds inside when I feel my needs aren’t being met in return. But the difficulty is, I barely communicate when I need help and support in return. This week has been unique… I’ve really needed help. And it can be hurtful to find that people have other priorities and busy lives. That’s why we can’t rely on anyone else.

It’s natural on a day like Valentine’s Day in lockdown to feel hyper sensitive to the fact that everyone has it better but just remember that not everything you see when you’re scrolling is real.

People filter, embellish and outright lie about their lives to show a highlight reel which they’re rarely living. How do I know that’s the case? Because I’ve done it myself! When I was married. So take social media with a pinch of salt on days like today to keep yourself comfortable and safe.

I have really rambled tonight but I needed this space to just write. So thank you if you’ve made it this far and I’ll hopefully see some of you soon… this community totally rocks.

You are worthy.

Mandy @ TEWP x

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